🦋My Story My Version. 🦋
When you feel like you’re addicted to something, it’s because you are. If you think about it, addiction is just a symptom of a problem. It’s not the problem itself—it’s what happens when you try to solve your problems with drugs or alcohol.
There are no pain killers that ease the pain of death. There is no pain killer in drug or alcohol form that solves any problem. My personal experience raw emotions over time, struggles of addiction and time in jail. Only one pain killer that is legit and real – Deal with it face to face. The truth is not easy, its painful, and a living hell at times. The truth is, it takes a long time to heal, cope, and deal with life events. Those challenges are open wounds. No one will admit to and wants to face – pain. My pain and struggles changed my life – forever.
Time is crucial to grief as I learnt the hard way. In my world, nothing made sense. Why? I couldn’t allow myself to feel raw emotions. Until I was forced to.
To me, I knew the pain would surface. For so long, I thought dodge ball would give me time to adjust. Time had lost its value, the world moved around me. I functioned due to that’s what life teaches us to do. The world doesn’t stop because you lost two loved ones seven weeks apart. The world doesn’t stop for anyone or anything.
Honestly, the days became a blank stare, everything moved as I stood still. My job at the time, was behind a computer. Thinking of the events was not happening while working. I choose to be a picker on a cherry picker. This the physical movement would keep my mind busy. I thought the grief had passed and life went on. Until….
September 11th, 2002. Brother that passed his birthday was Sept. 10th. That morning of the 9-11 year anniversary. In honor the company had moments of silence for both plane attacks. I buckled out of no where.. Functioning didn’t make sense. I hit my knees and fell apart. Crumbled to life raw painful emotions.. Six months after, life stopped. The only thing that matter at the moments was to leave. Walking in to my supervisors office, “I quit”. Out of character, he told me that I was okay. That I had time off work and just do whatever I could. Those words were not okay on my behalf. Once again, “I quit, you have no clue”. The HR lady called my name, and said here’s FLMA papers go to your doctor. They should give you time off work. She walked me to my car and explained the process. I went straight to my doctors office at that time. This doctor had been new and my first time meeting or seeing her. Explaining my situation, asking to help with FMLA. Her choice of words, did not go over well. She thought it was bogus to need time off work. Depression or anxiety, any of that she thought I was fine, just trying to get paid. My tolerance level just ticked. It was not the right time or practice of option, to her observation. I stood up and said, ” I hope you still have your father and your brother”. Quickly her response was ” yes I do”. I said that’s why you have no right to judge me, you have not experienced what I’m going through”. As your tongue was sharp, I hope you think next time before you share your opinion. When you can’t speak without experience just do your job. I got up to exit and my regular doctor was shocked. Leaving the office, I went to a doctor close by my house. I told the office I had just left my family doctors office and the situation. By law your not suppose to do that “doctor shopping”. I had not a care in hell, I needed help now. The doctor I seen was older, experienced, he knew I needed help. He personally made a phone call to the prior doctors office. Mentally I was a mess, yet I thought I was strong enough as time passed. Then falling apart, nothing was real. Emotions were painful, the triggers I was not aware of. The day after my brothers birthday. My mind starting thinking, remembering, wondering, and it happen. The anti-depression and anxiety medication were prescribed.
My days sleeping 15 to 20 hours a day. I must have been overwhelmed with exhaustion. If I woke up to eat or use the bathroom, daylight or night was never acknowledged. To shower was a big functioning task, that didn’t matter. Why should it when I’m just sleeping all the time, right? I became non-existent to the world. My mom would open my bedroom door check in on me. She had tried to make sense of it, her words would stick through my barely open eyes. ” I love you”, I heard many times. But I could barely move or function. Antidepressants became a non-functioning zombie creation, I hated more. My struggles were deep, changing medication made it worse. At some point over a course of 6 months time – my eyes opened more often. Hopeless, helpless, I needed help.. The struggles were daily, hourly, and serious. I suppose I got enough rest, cause I no longer wanted to sleep. Something inside of me was making sense. I rarely continued the medicine. So unconsciously I slowly detoxed from prescription medications. My only option was self-help. I began to write, as I would lay awake in bed thinking. I struggled with why would depression medicine make a person sleep.. ? Actually I started to feel worse taking the medicine. In time I was going back to work, the day was approaching. My mind was all over the place.
Slowly adding to my daily task, writing was priority and waking up was too. I had to face a lot of challenges. I had woken to a pending drug charge that was mine. My charges, my fault, not the addiction, – my problem. Not grieving, not understanding, not knowing, and hiding pain with addiction drugs and alcohol.
Functioning is a real struggle when life keeps moving. – Standing still is tough. But reality being crippled, disabled, mentally stopped in the tracks of life. Numb, thoughtlesss, living in a foggy world that I could only live in. I created this fog because I never learnt to function to death. Death- a zombie trying to drag ass through life. Life that’s so painful – crawling, due to, I been beaten, rolled, tossed, and shattered inside, and out. A hot mess in reality. I stank as a person because I didn’t know my strength. Giving up defeated me. I was all that above and more. Ripped, toren, high, drunk, and a walking mental mess.
Non-existent one where problems now surfaced and facing jail time. I felt invisible to jail, traumatized by life events, there was no excuse. My problems were my responsibility to be human again. Face life as I now had challenges. Obstacles that surely did want to face.
I had to report monthly to my parole officer. I had a great job, I was drug free and I honestly felt great. My goal was to conquer my grief with positive energy. At work, I pushed my limits to excel. But I felt alone. The lonleness created another addiction – sex. The truth is I was going to the gym working out, feeling great, going to the tanning bed, I never felt so amazing with ambition, life made sense. Or did it? My sex addiction was replaced from drug addiction. I made a promise to God to keep me safe and protect me during my journey of exploring sex options.. I refused to be attached to any man. I had lost two of my favorite men in my life. Loving a man was not an option at the time. My plan of action was in form of good habit routine. I was loving yet not lovable to my inner pain. My parole was about done. Drinking started regularly as my sex addiction slowed. My habits were changing as I knew my routine was about to be disrupted. Filling a blank isn’t always easy.
The challenges of living back on track “the good life”, still has negative impacts. After completing parole, I now had a felony charge on my background and record. Career moves and education would be tested. Blessed with a hard work ethic, my felony never gave any problems. In time I had my felony expunged. That wss inner peace of my self. I furthered my education with a Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology in 2010. I was coming alive inside cause I knew how to. Overtime I Iearnt what it takes to overcome. Being defeated is temporary. I felt I wasn’t strong enough to fight, down to being defeated. Wrong was I? I built an empire that I never knew was possible. So much can be done. No that anything is possible with one tool.. The master to life is 🗝️ to the mind, and that’s time. Educating the Mind. Your mind is power. You have the world of endless dreams when you open your mind. Educating the mind to life is a promise to overcome challenges. The best defense is knowing you have the option to learn. My life is far from perfect, knowing life makes sense is what matters. Struggles are life’s tools that give us strength. Love is an opportunity to prove your worth of being human. Love is told to be a beautiful thing. Love is the most painful experience that one must face. Truth be known Death is the love to eternal life. We must feel the worst level of extreme pain. That pain of life is the sacrifice to death. Afterlife of no pain, no sorrow just pure happiness of a world created by our God. My God has shown me life that exist beyond realm. As I have felt and visioned the life through my own eyes.
Life is precious to our eternal days. We will face the good Lord with treasures of our character. If those treasures are damaged at fault of yours, overcoming might be challenging.. Life of misery and hell will be provided, as you create your destiny. Time here on earth is measured by blessing to help one another, and valued human life as you perceive it. Hurting others and offering negative energy maybe your choice to void eternal life that’s promised. Until that judgement day is face to face with death. May you be the best product to life. A product everyone is proud to know and be a part of. If those words bite or sting- you have power of the mind to educate your options to overcome actions and behaviors. You are stronger than you think. As the mind never fails if you apply the time and work. Defeat is not an option to eternal life. Challenges may be mountains but mountains can be climbed. Lace up those boots and motivate the knowledge to be your best self. Life is best when dealt with by learning to overcome with a powerful tool – the mind.
Thank you for your time and for visiting ✔️Mental Mess, Life, and God. 👣 – My Story My Version – 👣
Not everything has an immediate solution. But knowledge can help you through it. Patience and time will guide you if your willing to put in the work.
If you want to stop using, there are a few things you can do:
First, figure out what caused you to start using in the first place. Was it a traumatic experience? Was there someone who told you that using drugs or alcohol was acceptable? Was it peer pressure? Childhood environment? Life has so many hidden stressors that we are blinded by. When we think, we aren’t strong enough? Think about a plan of action to overcome. Keep the plan fresh in mind. Support yourself with enjoyable positivity. Once positivity begins to flow, it becomes a regular flow.
Once you’ve figured this out, make sure that whatever caused your addiction no longer exists for you. If someone tells you that drugs or alcohol will make your life better, try not to believe them. They may have been lead by peer pressure and may have had some sort of experience with drugs or alcohol themselves—but they’re not responsible for your decisions and can’t expect you to make the same choices they did.
The next step is figuring out how much time and money are going towards solving these problems and how many hours of sleep are being lost because of them. Identifying these things will help keep track of solving the problem. Addiction is easy.. Overcoming is a challenge but your mind is powerful to help you through. Don’t give up.. Get up and face to challenge. In time you will gain so much positivity, ambition will guide you with a peace of mind.
Love to hear your experience and rewards of overcoming challenges you experienced. Shared stories can be the best therapy for another who is challenged with life of addiction or events. Feel free to share your experience.
Until our beautiful minds meet again. Be safe out there. Many blessings and much love. Remember Everyday Minds Matter – Della 💞🦋
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