Tag Archives: gift

👣 My Story My Version 👣

👀 To See is too Believe 👀

The Mind of the Eye
The Mind of the Eye 👀.
Photo by Akshay ES on Pexels.com

Life seemed to be good for me, a Junior in High School.  One weekend I left my car at work.  Rode with friends to hang out around the forth of July in 1995.  My friends boyfriend was much older who kind of, okay he was weird. We were going to his house, to hangout; in which he lived with his parents.  Arriving, the feeling was creepy, many acres of land and an old house.  A house that immediately, presented visions flashed faster than fast forward through my eyes – like reality.  The projector was intense, visions with people walking all around the house inside and outside.  He joked as we got out the truck that many years ago, funerals were held in the main room of the house.  Yes, being creeped out was more than a feeling.  I felt and saw way too much as the flashes of visions, made me feel sickish.  In less than fifteen minutes, I seen the zombie apocalypse in reality.  People walked around like we weren’t even there. A whole world that is beyond death.  Spiritual world that takes place everyday, like we go on about our days. Not even knowing the spiritual world exists around us, but it does. The ability of seeing this world is beyond a gift. In the movie “Ghost”, Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore are clear examples of the world viewed through my eyes. Trying to communicate is frustrating, as are they able to see me? What message behind the visions do I need to know?

That moment my perspective changed on death.  That creepy feeling was a peace and calmness that came over me.  Actually it was interesting, yet wonder if they could see me..  My friends boyfriend would talk about ghost being in the house.  He said many noises were heard which was right on point- for sure.  The plan was to watch movies; night hanging out no alcohol or drugs which was rare for us on a weekend. Others wanting to watch faces of death, scary, creepy, or blood movies. I never understood the need to torcher the mind and body with such demoralizing content.  That’s not my choice of movies, immediately I said,” no way”.  Of course I am out ruled and “Faces of Death” it was.

I never was someone to watch any type of violence, death or blood seeker-gory movies.  My point, it is mind-warping negative images that I’m not interested in seeing.  Having visual gifted vision was enough.  We were all talking and kind of missing the movie.  Which was my plan to offset watching at all cost. Conversation and laughing was better while the movie played on the TV.   So not really paying attention to what was on the screen.   All sudden I froze, was numb a spirit stood by me pointing to the TV.  I felt the connection was beyond real.  The screen was a guy in a bad car wreck, I barely could watch.  My head began to hurt, eyes blurred, and the projector played in my head.   The faces of death on TV matched my projection playing, a sick, nausea felt in my stomach. The face of my cousin was real, black and white image on the TV screen did not stop the real message. . Looking at the clock it was a little after 2 am.  Something happened, my mind and body was feeling it.  My head began to pound, eyes twitched and blurred, perspiration in my hands. Heat ran through my veins, as my face felt flush and sweaty.  

Felt like the others have seen this drastically change in me. Trying to overcome the uncomfortable feeling seemed impossible. I told my friend it was getting late, I should go home. On the ride to my car, it was like being on a rollercoaster ride, feeling I was rolling and dizzy.  Only 4 miles to my house, was eternity. Arriving home, I went in and wrote in my journal then fell asleep.  Waking up my head still was hurting not as bad but it was noticed.  I heard the phone rang so I went to my dads bedroom door.  My dad said “You got to be kidding?”  I knew what I seen was real.  Dad hung up the phone it was bout 7:00 am.  He asked if I wanted to go to my uncles house, that my cousin was killed in car accident last night?.  Yes, I will go. My neck hurt really bad. Once at my aunt and uncles house, learning bits an pieces of the accident. My family was crippled by the news. My cousin being a popular, handsome young man in his 20’s.  A full life just before him and just getting his CDL’s.  Life didn’t once again seem fair. Seeing the visions, gave in-depth meaning to life and death – Seeing is to Believe 👀.

***Dad***

Late January of 2002, one evening for dad to be in bed was rare.  That week he mentioned a few times he didn’t feel well. As he continued to say he would see his family doctor. Checking in on him, a yellow tint was noticeable.  I knew it was serious, called 911 to have him taken to the hospital.  Following the ambulance many visions continued like a slideshow in my head.  No matter what was to come, I would be right there.  From behind, I could see a women’s shadow, sitting next to him in the ambulance.

Gang-green set in on dad’s gallbladder.  With infection, drain tube experiment, and the discovery – that “C” word – cancer.  Gastric cancer, those words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Everyday for days to come were blurred, numb, but I was there day in day out with Dad.  The decision to take the stomach to golf ball size – to remove cancer.  My drug addiction was discovered – to numb the pain- here I am! My middle brother and I got really close; as we all struggled with the news.  “Meth” was the go to, need to, and my want too.  “Add it” the addiction, suppressed feeling of what was coming. The day of dads surgery, it was a very lengthy procedure. Many hours and complications it was late that evening; once we got to see him in recovery.  My heart broke in many pieces, it was real.  Before seeing him, my body tingled, it was not a good feeling. 

He had a breathing tube in and he was exhausted. My eyes got blurred, my hands sweaty and my body was weak.  My face flush, my words mumble, needing to get fresh air.  Tears were fresh and emotions felt in deep stabbing heart wrenching pain. I walked down a hallway, white walls and a bright light.  Feeling as I felt my way down the hall.. As dizziness, nausea, faint weakness, and clammy feelings of hot flashes filled my body; A voice “I am so sorry honey, your father is a very sick man.  We have tried everything to make him comfortable.” Barely being able to see because of how weird I felt, I said “thank you so much”. And before I could say anymore, she was gone.  I knew she was real by her taking my hand and talking to me. 

Days to come were hard emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Never had I felt so numb and so thoughtless.  My mind was blank – blank as in, I couldn’t think or process anything.  My body had just functioned on auto-pilot.  Drugs became my push through that enabled a functioning behavior. To hide the pain and emotions that were real.  “Add it,” grew in need as time didn’t stop.  Cancer then became over powerful to spread aggressively.  Dad passed away March 3rd, my world stopped.  The world around me kept moving.   Functioning was just that, with additives.   Additives of drugs were daily and very frequent. 

My middle age brother “Bull” became my best friend. His character of stubborn and bull headed gave his nickname. He lived within walking distance in front of dads house. Our conversation and closeness helped me function. I was proud to be his sister. We connected like never before in the past years. Time was special for sure.

*** Bull – My Brother ***

It had stormed really bad, while coming home from work.  I noticed a huge rainbow of beautiful bright colors.  It was a very happy moment, but was it a sign?  After returning home, my youngest brother called my brother I got very close to was in a boating accident.  The news spread fast as my brother was missing from the boat. A storm had mad the waterways rough and a barge may have passed. Causing the boat to capsize due to combined weather and water conditions.  His long time friend who was legally blind had made way to shore.  My brother had thrown him the life jacket, and my brother began to swim.. The rough waters from the storm challenged my brother.

As the water rescue team, searched for my brother, night had closed in.  We sat on the banks of the river in silence watching.  My uncle said ” this the stuff we see on the news and we turn it off and go to bed”. Those words hurt deep, with truth, as it was real.  That moment we wished could have been a bad dream or the ability turn it off. .  It was our family, our brother, son, friend, one of us.  Seven weeks after my dads death and now my brother? 

To find my brothers body was priority.  Prayers were in high demand.  In three days of Water Rescue searching the waterways to recover the body.  My younger brother found a cooler lid that read “Hope”.  My mom felt someone kiss her in the middle of the night and say “I Love you!”.  She barely seen a face but knew someone was there.  A roff.frsat on my window seal for those three long days.  A week prior to the accident, my dad came to me, stood at the end of my bed.  I thought I was dreaming, he said, “God will never give you more than you can bare”.  A blurred vision the projector – a side glimpse of a mans face.  More than once, I said, “Pop, who is it”?  I couldn’t see clear enough,. An angel in my room fell from the wall.  It was real that image was someone – just as my collection of angels never failed. The boy angel below an angel picture of children.  A girl angel kneeled across from the boy. The blue angel boy off.from the wall after my fathers visit.   

I was scared when the police knocked on the door.  My brothers body was recovered.  Relieved for that part of closure but devastated.  My addiction got real, really quick. Being close to another was not in my plans. Numbness wasn’t even close to a feeling. The world moved around me, for the most part I barely stood still. I struggled with addiction. I struggled with life, I struggled with who I was, who I become. The struggle was real.

Having a closed casket for my brothers wishes.  He wasn’t keen on everyone seeing and crying over him, as he was also a private person.

  Which he told me those wishes seven weeks prior at our fathers funeral.  Walking into the private viewing before the service, ability to see him.  My heart sunk in my stomach, a side view.  “Yes, dad gave me that vision”. My brother, the face was clear, a side view across the room.

Why would I have these vision if I could not change anything? Life didn’t have answers. Answers to this world, my life and connecting to death. Well it was too damn much. My addiction grew but I could careless. My drinking was regular and my ability to take care of me – was failing. A time or two I remember doing laundry finding a shirt of my dad’s. The scent of old spice or Brut after-shave. A scent that I love to smell, even the reminder brings fresh tears. Thise little things were so crippling. I was so angry, pissed off, drugs was an addiction that grew to cover pain. At one point, I begged God to take me out of this world. It just wasn’t fair.. I didn’t want those visions, it made no sense. I wasnt myself anymore. I was suppose to function in the painful world. How does that happen in a normal person? Normal I once was, life took that from me. One thought that never amazed me more – life is the real raw experience that is not learnt. Its learnt with pain, emotion, physical and mental pain. Its called “live it” by experience. You and only you, can know those raw moments. Functioning is tough, functioning is unpleasent everyday. Until you learn to grieve. Grieving is the key that opens your world- of you once again. I had no way of dealing or coping by experience. This my friends, was my experience to cope, grieve, and grow by experience. Drugs and alcohol become a habit to function. A suppressing mechanisms to cover emotional pain. In my state of mind, I was losing myself. Help was my next need, but how, who or where does this begin?

Look for my next: My Story My Version: 🙏My Mental Mess – My Life – My God 🙏

Until our beautiful minds meet again. Be safe out there. Many blessings and much love. Remember Everyday Minds Matter – Della 💞🦋

👐 My Story My Version: Touched by an Angel 👐

Gift of an Angel
Touch of An Angel

May of 1987, celebrating the first birthday of my cousin. Laughter and voices filled the air, splashes of pool water throughout the day; memories made. As the day grew old, darkness was closing in. My uncle and brother headed to the car to retrieve hanging lights to continue the celebration. Unable to go, hiding by the garbage cans, I waited. Watching as they crossed the street, then slowly followed to the edge of the street. In a distance my eyes locked on to a red and white Coke-Cola sign. Hung from a local Pub or Bar. One step in the street—.

An old blue station wagon struck me in the right side. That moment everything went dark. Complete darkness when a soft swift felt under my body. A bright white light covered my eye lids, as tranquility flowed through my body. In the darkness of the moment, a soft voice whispered in my ear. Unable to understand the words, calming music or instruments was heard. Opening my eyes to a pure bright white light. The ray of beauty of an Angel that held me in her presence. A moment of tranquility filled my body, no pain, sadness or tears. My eyes fixed on the angel who glowed with peace and love.

What then seemed to be a real moment of watching as a car hit my body. Tossed in slow motion, a blue head band flung in the air. The sound of screeching echoed in the air, from the tires braking to dodge the child in view. Instantly my body flew in the air like a sling shot. Roughly 15 ft. as a solid dropped childs body bounced off the windshield. A final roll of what appeared as a rag doll, smacked the hood of the car. Only to tumble in a final hard drop, ending with the pavement. The rolling of a blue head band was heard as it spun to a complete stop. As a witness ran to the body of the young child. Appeared laying lifeless in the street. Nearby, the childs uncle and brother also had witnessed the accident. As a crowd gathered round, the passenger door of the car opened, when a gun fell in the street. The two occupants of the car had just shot and buried a family dog. Commotion got loud, realizing the two men had been in-laws to the family.

  • (I want to make this side note ) – I believe the impact caused the unconsciousness.  If this was a dream or if I died it would be confusing. With no open gashes, wounds, scratches, head trauma or injury noticeable.  It confusing as the next two paragraphs are blurred.  I have struggled for years to write the meaning and detail – theres no right words or structure. Able to witness and experience at the same time.  Here goes..)*

** the presence of a beautiful angel. As we watched the accident play on a big screen – real-life. Nothing at the moment felt pain or sadness. I couldn’t hear talking or feel anything as the ambulance arrived. )**

During the experience, shadows I could see many people the seemed very busy. If they were people, they would appear in a distance not noticing me. I don’t remember any noise of like production work or any chaos. Instrument sounds played softly and a voice of a man was heard, “the time come, exact form will flow like a river – a gift”.  Waiting to see a face or person, neither revealed. I could only remember those words clearly. Yet never able to hear the clear words the angel had whispered in my ear. Those words were of a man, aren’t 100% since never seeing a face. Even though the voice was calm and clear, to me was a mans voice. Those words I didn’t understand. “The time come, exact form will flow like a river – a gift”.

The ambulance arrived, taking me to the nearby hospital. Every moment the beautiful angel held me in her arms. Watching life in real time, I could hear soft glamorous sound of music. A music that was soothing peaceful, happy, and complete joy. To feel the tranquility to amazing to be real. Time to time my angel would whisper in my ear. The voice so clear and stable never explained what was happening. Thankful for the presence, comfort, yet confused to  – Am I dreaming? Reality of where I was in this experience. I could see people that were in real-time. I couldn’t communicate or hear – its confusing to describe the stuck in between moments. I could hear a formilar voice and a hard pull at my ear. Being tossed on to a bed, lights were bright, a woman said, “You remember me”? My oldest brothers mother-in-law. I didn’t get to respond, my little body hurt so bad. Opening my eyes, as I woke up, I began to vomit. The pain was over baring, why did everything hurt? All of a sudden, a lady was jerking at my ear, trying to remove my earrings. Mrs. D, my brothers, mother-in-law took charge. Gently removed both earrings. Preparing me to have a CAT scan. Not feeling well at all, I continued to vomit. Mrs. D gave me a shot, so the vomiting would stop. I must have fallen asleep momentarily, mom and dad was sitting next to my bed. I thought I was going for CAT scan but that was done when I fell asleep. Dad helped me up, and mom walked me to the bathroom. Now a urinalysis test was needed before being discharged. Closing the door in the restroom as I went alone, while mom was talking to Mrs. D outside the door. I felt horrible, weak and tired… I tried so, so hard to urinate. I couldn’t, I wanted to cry. As I sat on the toilet, my (Angel) stood in a smoke fog by the door. She just smiled at me, if she had words to say – nothing was heard or spoken. She was so beautiful and smiled the prettiest smile. I was so happy to see her I started to pee. She waved and disappeared through the door. Had I realized I used the bathroom? Mom open the door and asked if I was okay? I told her I couldn’t go, Mrs. D said “you did go honey”. Not long after releasing and we went to my aunts to stay the night.

Had I been touched by an Angel? Absolutely! Was this an out of body experience and did I go to heaven? I wouldn’t say heaven for sure. However, I did experience a moment out of body. That short time, felt amazing and peacefully heartfelt. Was there a purpose? Of course, it took me quite sometime to adjust. To fully understand the purpose – Trying to understand one day, I asked my mamaw. She read a big book that, was always placed on her coffee table. Reminder as nothing is to be on the book – the “Bible.” Asking her if the invisible man was part of the Bible? “Yes, the good Lord’s work, Jesus”. I tried to explain how when I got hit by the car, an Angel sweep down and saved me. My mamaw told me Angels was around us all the time. Angels help us through situations and work for Jesus. She explained the bible. I was young and didn’t grasp the understanding. I never told anyone, writing was my understanding and awareness to this so called “gift”. Unable to ask questions about the beautiful angel that gifted me. My mind always looked for answers. I had heard about this man Jesus, invisible or a higher power. Mamaw gave me some information but I needed to know more. Some said he made miracles happen. Never had I met him or heard from him. One day after writing in my journal, looking around my room.- no one was there just me. Not knowing how to contact this man, I figured maybe if I just talk to him. – Just maybe this higher power would help me understand. Remind you. I am 9 years old, – The 5th grader and learning a few things. Not really, clueless by all means, to any grown up stuff. So here I am, ready set go. Exact words I had said. Higher power that’s invisible. Crazy how I never forgot this day. Its clear as ever nearly (34 years later). Anyway, Higher power that’s invisible, I got hit by a car and I knew the guys. They are relation to my brother. Well Higher power, this lady very beautiful – my angel lady held me while this dream happened. The dream was real when the car hit me. I started to feel like I was having a real-life conversation with higher power. He was invisible but little by little words or bits and piece of talking I could hear. A kid – higher power I can’t hear you. Almost like a radio with static seemed to be heard, clear words, static, static, then I would feel warm or cold. I would have these visions or pictures in my head, and then like on big screen. Trying to squint my eyes, wanting to see the message, given me. Lord, I’m a kid, can you tell me what “the time come, exact form will flow like a river, mean? Everything went silent, why did he stop talking to me?

Every now and then, if I squinted hard enough I could see the view clearer. The struggle to see got easier and easier. The radio talking had less static more clear voice. That radio had messages that scared me. After a little while I could feel my body temperature change and see unpleasant views. Hearing voices that had negative energy. Those at times weren’t comfortable. I didn’t like those visions of evil – mad people. It was hard to understand.

One day after school, getting off the bus felt like I stumbled. I felt dizzy and very hot. Stopping at mamaws trailer, the front door was cracked, immediately it was hot in there. All stove burners red hot, nothing on the stove. Potato peels on the floor, something was wrong. Mamaw was so confused, I got the stool and turned the burners off, having mamaw sit down. She wasn’t feeling well, she was very hot. Calling mom and dad, dad came up and he said mamaw was trying to cook. Her daughters were coming to visit from Florida. Dad and mom took mamaw to the hospital to have her checked out.

Later that evening, dad, mom, brought mamaw to stay at our house. My aunt – dads sister came to stay also. The doctor said mamaw had, had several mini strokes. The plan was to take her to the family doctor in the morning. My aunt slept in the room with my mamaw, I slept on the couch in the living room. Waking to my aunt and dad talking, dad told me to go back to sleep. They both went into the bedroom. My aunt had mamaws head in her lap. Whipping mamaws head with a wash cloth and talking to her. Mamaw took a drink of gatorade and said “that was good, nice and cold”. Waiting to see, I went closer to the bed as dad stood by the door. My aunt put my hand with mamaws, she said to me “no matter what, I will always be with you as you carry my name”. I started to cry she said “I love you.” Dad came and got me I went into the living room. Mamaw passed, my first experience of death. My uncle and aunt that lived a couple of minutes away came up. Waiting for the corner to arrive, dad called mamaws sisters in Ohio. Aunt Mary answered dad told her about mamaw, she said Georgia (other sister) was sleeping that she was up earlier and didn’t feel well. So she would let her know later after she woke up. An hour later, Aunt Mary called saying she decided to go ahead and wake Georgia. To give the news and she had passed as well in her sleep. Two sisters two hours of passing and not knowing of each others death.

Trying to grasp this so called death – experience was confusing. Then these people brought a stretcher through the house. As I sat on the couch, a few minutes later they took mamaw out in a zipped up bag. My aunt said, I should have not seen that image. Its in my head still to this day. Death is a mysterious moment that stings our mind at times. There are no preparations to death. I had never seen my dad cry – Until that day, mamaw passed. This day had changed my life, in so many ways. That my next post My Story My Version – The Gift will be in-depth to death. How the impact to my life was positive and negative. How the out of body experience possibly prepared me for death experiences.

Look for 🙏My Story My Version – The Gift 🙏 coming soon.. Thank you reading my story and allowing my to share the experience. Please feel free to share thoughts and your personal experience.

Until our beautiful minds meet again. Be safe out there, many blessings and much love. Remember Everyday Minds Matter – Della💗🦋