My Story My Madness
At 5 am, many of us might be peacefully sleeping in our beds, unaware of the struggles and fears of those living in an abusive relationship. This story will explore of one such individual who felt such a painful deviation. Anxiety began filling the vessels of every nerve throughout her body. Tears surfaced from deep clenched pain that had no mercy. Once the whiskey evil words of hatred and violence were near – chilling pain and tension surfaced, Rooted fear without camouflage. Knowing those words would turn into punches – Coming from the person who was supposed to love and protect her. Read more about power of fear and the courage it takes to break free and survive.
Meeting the abuser
The first time I ever encountered my abuser was an unforgettable experience. It was a cold December day, we both worked for the same company. I had just finished up my work for the day. I turned around to find a dark handsome stranger smiling at me.
He introduced himself and told me he had been watching me for a while and wanted to get to know me better. I was charmed by his good looks and charisma, so I agreed to meet him after work the following day.
Little did I know, this seemingly charming man would soon turn into my worst nightmare.
When we met the next day, he seemed kind and caring. He was attentive, nice, and funny.. In no time the weekends were spent together, out of town visits, and my heart held a special place for him. Somewhere in a hidden spot in my stomach, I felt unsure, love played the tune. When the song was in tune, it had a beat that was great. On occasion the tune was unsettling from time to time.
Time played its course with all the sweet, kind gestures he offered. My heart wasn’t new to love but he just knew those walks in the park were heartfelt.
– As we soon decided to move in together after 3 years of living apart. In my heart, I didn’t feel the “want to” but my heart cared too much to say “no”. I had known of a woman he dealt with, the details were only told by her. Our conversations were meaningful, yet my heart wore special glasses. Not knowing the truth or getting his story I didn’t question him further. The ups and downs were because of cheating and lying that began to cultivate from his past. Needless to say, in a sick way I seen the reality soon after we meet. It seemed like I wore special glasses that blocked so much, I couldn’t see the truth. However my mind was right on point with whatever was taking place. A guard seemingly was around my heart. It had no hurt or tears as the days continued to pass.
Life seemed good and our needs were filled, the bills paid, and our want for nothing was balanced. Simple life seemed to be good for the most part.
Nice cars, nice home, friends, family nothing was off or questionable. One day after work, outside talking with my neighbor, greeting him after his work day – a not so pleasant eye. Immediately, he stated “I am in the house”. I laughed it off and continued conversation with my neighbor. After awhile, I went into the house, a very hard hit, blow to the face. My heart shattered like a perfect glass to unrepairable pieces of a broken heart. Lost for words, numb, confused, hurt was far from the impact left. That burning feeling on my face had no reality to what happens inside my soul.
The days when love gave your soul the jitters, a beautiful wave that same call “love”. The smile that covers your face and the giggle and laughter that explodes to be released, a silly thing “some call love”. The moment you kiss and your body wants more, a spontaneous gift some call “love”. Days and nights had the beautiful waves of what “some call love”. That what some call “love”, takes time to build and create. One blow to the face – destroyed that what some call love – just two seconds. Those two seconds “can not”, I repeat “can not” give back that jittery wave of what some call love feeling – again. That blow to the face stung for a moment, confusing every word, thought, or intention for awhile. Nothing was the same, the wounds were deep and the patches were cheap. You can’t repair a cheap thought, action, or words, when trust has a high value. Every word was processed differently, analyzing every moment, every step. The hit didn’t hurt, what hurt was I didn’t understand. Everything about me, I fine combed in 3 days. Soul searching to why? The wound was gapped to deep to stitch. Everything changed that day and many days to come, a zombie that died and crawled through life. A mind that heard no beauty to life, nothing made sense at all. We were not okay in my eyes, he seemed I had a problem. And 4 years in – time, time, time. That played in my mind over and over.
However, it soon became apparent that this man had an evil side. As he became more comfortable with me, his true colors started to show. He would become angry and controlling whenever I disagreed with him or didn’t do what he wanted.
At first, the abuse was verbal. He would call me names and belittle me. But it soon escalated into the physical abuse. He would grab me by the arm, hit me or push me against the wall. The fear of not knowing what he would do next left me feeling helpless and trapped in an abusive relationship.
I eventually mustered up the courage to leave him, but I always went back. Learning to adjust is difficult, trying to grasp the emotions and mental pain. The physical abuse is painful at the moment. However the emotional and mental turmoil is permanent. But the emotional scars remain and the memory still haunts me. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially not from their significant other. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to let go of those who hurt you. One thing is for sure though: I will never let anyone take control of me again. I am living proof that there is life after abuse and pain.
The early signs of abuse
We’ve all heard the stories about abusive relationships, but for many of us, it’s hard to spot the early signs. It’s easy to think that these types of relationships only happen in movies or to people we don’t know, but in reality, it can happen to anyone.
In the story above, the early signs of an abusive relationship were present. The first sign was the fear created by the whiskey-fueled words. These words are often used to manipulate and control a partner, which can lead to a cycle of fear and hurt in the relationship.
The second sign was the hand reaching out to grab the arm. This type of physical aggression is a clear warning sign of an abusive relationship. It can be a sign of dominance, control, and intimidation.
It’s important to remember that abuse doesn’t always begin this way. It often starts with small things, like criticism or yelling. Over time, these behaviors can become more extreme and dangerous. If you see signs of an abusive relationship in yourself or someone you care about, it’s important to reach out for help. Support from family and friends, as well as professional resources, can be invaluable in helping someone get out of an abusive relationship. It’s also important to seek support if you’re unsure whether your partner is abusive. According to research, there are several questions that may indicate whether a person may have an abusive personality:
1) Does your partner criticize you?
2) Is your partner possessive?
3) Does your partner yell at you?
4) Does your partner force intimacy without consent?
5) Does your partner threaten violence against you or others?
6) Does your partner use drugs or alcohol to keep you under control?
7) Has your partner ever hit, kicked, choked, bite, shoved, pinned down, burned or threatened any pets while they were angry at them? These are clear indication someone may have aggressive behavior.
No matter how many apologies are said, they are not real. These are just words of pitty to keep you from leaving. You build a defense that is anger from the hurt of deception, lying, cheating and self destruction. You feel embarrassed by letting this happen for so long. You feel stuck and sadly you stay. It’s a horrible cycle that cycles more abuse in time. When you think it would get better, it’s hell to pay to try to leave. It gets much worse, than it had been before. A vicious cycle where trying to survive is unpredictable. It becomes a known feeling it’s time to leave. It’s only something you know for yourself.
The breaking point
It had been months, those months became years, since the whispers of his anger had begun. At first, it seemed like something I could ignore, a feeling of unease that was brushed off as nothing more than a passing emotion. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, and years, it became clear that this wasn’t just some passing feeling—it was something far more sinister.
The outbursts had grown in intensity, turning into full-blown tantrums filled with screams, shouts, and threats. It was like living in an emotional minefield, never knowing when I might set off an explosion. And then, on that fateful morning at 5:14am, the breaking point was reached.
His hand had reached out and grabbed my throat, and for the first time, I felt completely powerless. The terror I felt in that moment was something I will never forget. All of my senses were heightened, and all I wanted was for it to end. But as his whiskey-soaked breath spewed out more vile words, I knew that there was no going back. This was the moment when I realized that I had to get out of this abusive relationship.
In the days that followed, I made the difficult decision to leave. Despite the heartache and pain that came with it, I knew that it was the only way to free myself from this dark situation. Looking back now, it’s hard to believe that I allowed myself to be trapped in such an abusive environment for so long. But thankfully, I have been able to move forward and heal from this traumatic experience.
Today, I am still thriving to find a healthy relationship with someone who respects me and treats me well. Where there is no longer any fear or anxiety surrounding what he might say or do next; instead, be able to talk through our problems together and find solutions that work for us both. Someone who will help me to reclaim my independence and build up my self-esteem again after years of being told how worthless I am. Even though you’re well aware of the words falsely tossed in the air. No matter how strong you are, those words still affect you in time.
When you are stuck in an abusive relationship, it can feel like you are walking on eggshells every day, never knowing when you might trigger your partner’s rage again. Just know that you don’t need to put up with abuse anymore–there are plenty of resources available that can help you take control of your life again!
Every day she thought about leaving but found herself constantly battling an inner voice that was too scared to move forward. As much as she wanted to escape, she was petrified of facing life alone, so she stayed locked in a perpetual cycle of suffering. The inner demon is a battle itself. I want to be free but my heart speaks a different language. Staying is a cycle that can’t be explained. You’re in a situation that you know is wrong, you know it’s horrible and a powerful mind game that keeps you there. It’s something you can’t express or explain.
That is my home too. It’s a painful way knowing it’s not a choice. It’s a mind game…. To be continued
Until our beautiful minds meet again be safe out there. Much love and many blessings. Remember Everyday Minds Matter-Della 💞🦋
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