The Mind and Eyes: End of Life – Final Days 👣 My Story My Version 👣
If life was only always so beautiful and pretty. Yes, I said pretty. We all live in that world of our own. A world that our minds will always view in our own time. Our personal way of believing and most of all thinking. To live the dream, stress free, family, children, financially stable, and be overwhelmed with happiness. I know that we dream those dreams when we are young. As adults, we are the builders to those dreams. In the eyes of our visitors, everything from the outside is beautiful. The builder of those dreams, that isn’t easy, stress free and a blissful dream. We see everyone around us building a home, for a family, it looks easier than reality offers. We are wired to see the world move in a favorable promise. Especially when others make it all seems easy . But is it really as easy, as it appears?
Life happens and situations take place.
Something happens, we hate to forcefully admit to even face the thought of – illness or sickness. But the final days of end of life – for ourselves or a loved one. In our happy minds we are all just going to live forever. Even that thought can be corrupted or faded far from our minds. Nobody wants to imagine life without someone they love dearly. Life is built around family and friends, a routine. Of course we all love those we spend time with.
Some illness can be short lived or terminal that can be life changing. Not only for the individual, but the loved ones as well. Either to help care for the person or being the one with the illness; we are involved. That’s what love is and that’s who I am. I have been on the flip side to be with loved ones who get that “news”. It is like having that illness yourself. It’s emotionally painful. That damn it moment because that settling reality takes awhile to hit home. A million and one thoughts roll through our head. Planning the care, the who, what, when, and where plays in our thoughts – Real truth.
Are we present when we get that “news”? Yes, we are, yet it’s a fogging blur to comprehend. Reality to grasp the truth is tough, as it can crawl to realize this is it. As a slow, speed of understanding and comprehension of the illness – our mind is preparing for the – real truth.. Acceptance, acknowledge, and respond. The what’s next? Our angels are present, to carry us though. Those preparation days are filled with illusions that are real. In the moment, we wonder who will take care of us? Or we are the caregiver that is right there. The crippling pain that lies ahead, good days, bad days, tears, laughter, but we are in it together. It’s not easy to watch the loved one during the final days of life. However, we are blessed for the time spent. The Final days are an insight of what’s to come. We watch our loved ones talk with those who wait and guide us through our final days. Those that may believe are hallucinations from the dying process are assumptions. The moments are not hallucinations; by far as the final days is quite interesting. Many will say it’s medication or brain activity that causes end of life responses. So much one can learn about life and death, being a caregiver or observing a loved one’s final days.
My grandma was not medicated through hospice. I controlled her intake of what medicine came from hospice. What was given was very little. Grandma was aware of what was going on around her. She was able to tell me what her needs were. If I already knew, grandma did not, I repeat did not want to be knocked out to sleep. If she slept that was that, if she was awake, she was awake.
My grandma at 92, didn’t want to leave “us”. Of course her body was tired, 92 is decades of wear and tear on a person. She never missed a day without being fully focused or alert. A woman who never smoked or drank alcohol a day in her life. Everyday hours and hours I spent as her granddaughter and caregiver. For almost 20 years, I was involved with grandma’s doctor visits and involved in her life in general. I knew Grandma well enough and talked to her daily. To know her routine, depression, and overall well-being. She always knew where she was and was alert to her surroundings.. In October 2020, during the pandemic grandma got the “news”. The damn old Cancer was back from vacation. The moment was real. No matter what I was in this for the good, bad, and the ugly. As I wheel grandma out from her cancer doctor visit, going through the motion took over. The real truth – I never really imagine life without grandma. Grandma was a huge part of my routine, my world, and who I was. To break the silence, I said well looks like you stuck with me now grandma. She said “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”. Telling grandma with this pandemic, least we don’t have to wear these mask. That did make us happy, and being grandma’s caregiver my caution to prevent covid-19 was priority.
We meet with Hospice and they would agree to check in once a week or if any concerns or questions we could call 24/7. Grandma stayed with my mom. I went over everyday from morning to evening. As I could almost pinpoint what was next. For the most part, grandma was pain-free in her final days. What’s the real truth is her final days. Having mouth and throat cancer; all medication stopped 8 days prior to – her end of life.
Here’s what some fail to notice: real truth. My experience as a granddaughter and caregiver during those last days.
In those final days, grandmas attitude and personality changed. She was happy and loving more than ever. Grandma would talk about her mom, she would say, “they talked about everything”. Grandma & I would laugh and I said, “why’s your mom coming when I’m not here”? She comes after work, grandma said she been working a lot. Asking what kind of work she did, she does what you do, check up on people. I said, grandma, she keeping her eye on you. Making sure your not out dancing and your here getting better. My mom does, she keeps me company, gives me comfort, and tells me about where she lives.. And she don’t have to do much since you do a good job. 😉 Where does your mom, stay grandma? Mom said, it’s a beautiful place, she can’t describe it. She says, I will see it soon and be very happy. Will you live with your mom, grandma? Grandma just shrugged her shoulders, as it didn’t matter. In the conversation I could feel the energy of excitement in grandma. I just listened, after a while, grandma said, we need to lock the doors and windows. Men are coming through the walls. As my response was: Dang grandma, what kind of men are coming through the walls? They will help move me and take me home, grandma smiled as she talked. It was a calm and collective tone of voice. Grandma didn’t seem worried or scared. Now, as I listen, you would think a person would be scared or afraid. However it seemed like grandma was happy and ready. To me it was like the process of end of life, something changes in a person.
Six days before my grandma passed, entering her room I stood, watched, and listened. As I saw a woman with a medium build, snow white hair, stand to the left side of grandmas bed. The conversation was unstoppable. I could hear grandma talk about her life here on earth. Grand & great grand kids, her own children, her bird, it was like catching up with an old friend. Grandma had a mouth sponge she used like a sucker. The excitement was part of her being fidgety, wide eyes, and very talkative. At this phase she had stopped eating and could not even drink or sip water. In the middle of her talking out loud I walked in the room to her presence. Her eyes were wide, her smile was endless, her excitement was felt. Greeting her as routine, ‘good morning, grandma”. Normally I get the same response, quickly. This time she couldn’t talk fast enough about the presence of her mom. She said they talked all night and she was exhausted. Grandma asked if I would be there with her that evening. I said of course, where are we going? She said, a man had to meet with her and they would have coffee and cookies – she could bring someone, then they sang and danced. It was a welcoming meeting, to mingle with others. I said, “welcome meeting”? Grandma said yes, that’s where I will be going, in a few days. The conversation: when am I going to go home? I said you are at home grandma. Just where you’re supposed to be.
As I listened to her, she said we will talk more afterwards when she got better. Now the conversation got real, she said “how much time do I have to live”? I knew Grandma wanted to live forever, so my response: “what makes you think your going somewhere”? She smiled and said, Well? I spoke from my heart. Not too much longer, maybe a week.. (She didn’t know her son from out of town was coming in). Her response was okay, the guy is supposed to talk to me tonight. Grandma kinda dozed off to sleep.
I was doing my normal daily routine, cleaning her room and changing bed sheets, regular care and out of nowhere. This day Grandma was full of information and questions. Grandma asked if my mom was okay? My mom checked in on grandma and helped when I wasn’t there, as they lived together. This question I knew Grandma needed to know. . I said, “yes grandma, my mom is fine”. I knew this was that question of being okay. To have her end of life there at the house, question. When the time comes you will be here as I promised. You will have all us that love you around, in this room.. Then you can fly with the angels, as they guide you to heaven”. You will be a beautiful soul renewed once you get to heaven.. She made a smirk and whispered. Then her eyes got big and said, “yes I know.”
She said, Della call the police see there, they are large with no clothes. Large men, that have high shoulders. If they are wings they have no feathers or hair. She said that they are not very pretty. Why are they here grandma? She said, they are supposed to move me, soon. I said, you’re not moving anywhere. She just shook her head yes.
I said, “are they people, angels, or what”? “Angels, Della”! Her voice cracked when she said those words. In a few blinks grandma kind of looked scared. She stared at me, barely using the mouth sponge, just as she got lost in thought, confused, or dazed.
Grandma knew she wasn’t hallucinating and was present to awareness., Very alert. She always knew her surroundings. I said, I thought Angels, were pretty and beautiful? Grandma shook her head, whispered “they are not. I always thought that too”. She said, your collection of Angels is pretty. I said, well they are not angels. In a crackled voice, yes, Della they came, maybe 4 or 5. Then she looked as if she was lost in conversation, staring again. After moments of silence, grandma starting talking a little. I laughed saying was you day dreaming? “No, Della those Angels just glow with nice colors”. With my own eyes, I could see a ray of what appeared to be a dust glow from the window. The light shines from the side window, from the sun. It was early afternoon, it had snowed I told grandma bout the weather. Grandma looked like she was dozing to sleep, then she look up and said, “see the light”? You didn’t hear anything I was saying did you? The man I talked to last night said watch for the light. Man? Light? Della, the man came to see me last night for the meeting, remember. I said, I wasn’t there. I went home last night. He came not long after you left. It was dark then?
“Yes, it was dark my night light was on he sat next to my bed. He even lifted me up in the bed a little.”. He had nice white hair and polite. I asked what he say? “Don’t be afraid”. Was you afraid or scared? A light laugh, “no I wasn’t afraid”. He held my hand and said words, I couldn’t understand him. Then he said he was taking the cancer and sickness from me. He did something cause I could hear him better.
Who was he? He is going to take me home. My heart broke and I could feel comfort, and peace filled the room. But you are home grandma, your not going anywhere. Until you fly with the Angels.🦋
It was real, my eyes teared up. Grandma in a demanding voice, “I know where I am. Right, when the Angels come”.
Grandma knew going home to heaven was flying with the Angels. No tears or sadness when she said those words.
I just watch her stare, barely any movement, fixated, in the moment. I went to the kitchen and was telling mom some of the conversation with grandma. Mom said it must be her days of confusion. I said she was not confused. I believe her, she is actually telling us how and what the process of death is. Just her way of not saying, I’m going through the dying process. But she was and I was able to observe, listen and learn. An unbelievable deep experience.
I had never questioned grandma for information. When she spoke of things I’d listen and make conversation with her. I will say that in her last couple days of life, she slowed in talking. I could talk about how I will miss her, love her, and say it’s okay for you to fly with the “Angels”. She always said “I Love you” back to me. Even on those days, but the stare was like a transitional exiting phase. I would talk crying my eyes out, and those moments were real truth. Life after death takes all pain away. Grandma had a few single tears maybe four total. In the two days of this process. My belief of pure truth life after death. Exiting our body during death is a process with an illness. As grandma said the man who came took cancer away.
I want to share some personal experience that’s – real truth. I can say, from experience I have walked, cried, been a caregiver over the years, watched, and learnt about death. Had I ever seen my loved ones cry before passing? Maybe a single tear, but cry? I have not. Now I have been the biggest cry baby moments before and after losing a loved one. That pain is crippling and life changing. We cry for the loss of a loved one, that’s entering eternal life of happiness. In my best knowledge, our minds are the way to life beyond death. As a person that experienced a realm to life after – the real truth beyond any hallucination of life. No matter the cause of death days prior, we will know. Our sense will be in a whole different presence. Something feels good but that we can’t fully grasp. Out of spontaneous energy, our sense of closure and connection are released to others. The attachment – bonding is a form of security and the littlest gestures help release that bond. Heard the myth that those dying, wait for someone, hanging on then once they arrive, they pass?. It’s true for the closing attachment to help us through our days without them. If you take a moment to think about the prior days before, – the real truth of closure not always presented. It might have been days, weeks, but the “good-bye” is there. At some moment, it was different. But it was a blessing, between you and your loved one. An example, if you have routine dinner, that evening you may have spontaneously enjoyed the evening outside. Just talking a week prior, in which those opportunities don’t take place. It may have been a silly gesture your loved one gave before leaving your house one day. If you really let your mind show you the peace offering it will be available.
The day grandma passed was expected but never was I ready for it.. I felt numb and thoughtless – dazed, even knowing happiness and no sickness was her transition to eternal life. The attachment is why we struggle. Loving someone is a painful experience. But as humans, to live for love is our purpose. To have eternal life, love is our purpose. If failing at love is an option, I don’t want any part of it. I am not religious by preaching testimony. I do believe, and I once was afraid to die. I was afraid of leaving this earth. The feeling was like going to the middle of a desert being left alone. Actually I was terrified. I watched death from a different experience and my own eyes. When we are faced with the loss of a loved one, we are crippled. Thinking is difficult and logic is far from reality at the moment. Clear focus is by far to make decisions or choices. Our first reaction is to hide or cover the pain. So actually the real truth is – those true moments are missed. Our minds tell us differently due to the state of mind. Reality is in the moment, as loss of a loved one, takes us out of the moment. Our time is motioned by pain, anger, and disbelief. The acceptance to have to de-attach from a loved ones presence is brutally painful.
The truth is, love others like your life depends on it. Those who leave us are safe, secure, and waiting to see us again. The presence of time does not exist in eternal life. The spirit of our soul is God’s final project..
Until our beautiful minds meet again, be safe out there. Many blessings and much love. Remember Everyday Minds Matter-Della 🦋💕